Relationship issues arise due to a basic principle
You are biologically wired to protect yourself from threat and pain. You are also biologically wired to connect emotionally with others. If the person that you are in a relationship with represents on some level a threat to you, then you want to connect but cannot. This situation leads to the uncomfortable position of wanting something but at the same time pushing it away. These actions are then in turn interpreted by your partner as you don’t love them.
Understanding why you see your partner as a threat is a fundamental step if your relationship is to be repaired successfully.
Why do you feel stuck?
Relationships develop through various stages. The first and most recognised stage is the initial honeymoon period. In the honeymoon period, the focus is on the things that you have in common giving rise to a feeling that “we are one”.
After a period of being together, you start to notice that your partner is different from you in many ways. Noticing differences is a normal part of relationship development but brings with it fears that you are growing apart, that you have little in common. Resentment sets in particularly if one partner starts to embrace their differences and the other partner is still holding on to the “we are one stage”.
Many couples get stuck at this stage which generated feelings of being left behind and rejected or feeling held back and smothered. Understanding how you can be different but be in a relationship together is one of the fundamental issues that need to be addressed for the relationship to develop to its full potential.
Noticing differences does not mean the end of the relationship but instead means that the relationship is growing and if properly supported through this time will lead to an enhanced experience for you both.
Individual issues become relationship issues
The relationship starts with us. The first person that we must relate to is ourselves. How good our relationship with ourselves is, flows into our other relationships. That is why so many things such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and low self-worth can tear a relationship apart over time. Often a poor relationship with ourselves is seen in one partner expecting the other to make them happy. Happiness is something that starts with you. You need to make yourself happy first.
The origin of the problem
Our concept of what it means to be in a relationship and how relationships work is founded on the type of relationship we experienced with our caregiver when we were a child. For example, unpredictable reactions from parents to our needs tend to leave us mistrusting close relationships. Neglect from our parents tends to cause us to rely heavily on ourselves and not trust others.