We experience loneliness because we are social beings who are biologically programmed to be in a relationship. When the relationship aspect is missing, we feel lonely.
The past is a collection of life experiences. The future currently does not exist. Change can only occur in what’s called the present moment.
There are three phases to time as we know it.
There is the past, the present and the future.
The past is what has happened, it is set in stone and you can’t change it. The present moment is the very moment that we are in now and then there is the future which basically hasn’t happened yet.
In the present, we can choose to make changes. We can’t change the future because it hasn’t happened yet and we can’t change the past because it’s set in stone so our power only exists in the present.
If you’re not happy with where you are in the present then you have to make a change in something to get a different result. You can look at the past and use the past as a lesson and determine what you had in the past is not what I want now. If you use your negative experiences to determine what you do want, you will be able to see what you need to do to effect change. This is a common approach to change. Some people, however, will look at the future and design how they want the future to look. This, in turn, shows them what needs to be done in the present to get that outcome. Either approach will work.
Using the past to motivate change is an act of moving away from pain. Using the future to motivate change is an act of moving towards pleasure. Moving away from pain or moving towards pleasure are the two great motivators for human beings.
The barrier to this working with any degree of success lies in our tendency to look back at the past and want to blame people have done things to us for our current situation or blame the Universe or God for whatever for what’s happened to us. By dwelling on this we get stuck back in the past where we cannot make any changes.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t feel pain about things that have happened to you and shouldn’t be really upset about things that happened to you because everyone’s got those things in their lives. What I am saying is if we allow ourselves to be bound back in the area of time in which we have no power because no changes can happen there, we become stuck. We must focus on the changes that we can make in the present in order to move forward.
As easy as this might sound, let’s be honest, it is not easy to make the decision that you are going to live from this point forward in order to see the change that you want. It takes effort not to focus back on the past, and this effort is easier when you have the support of others.
© Tracey Janke StartPoint Counselling 2019
07 3458 1725
Supporting Your Change
We are now a few days into 2019 so the enthusiasm of the start of the New Year is probably waning a little bit and the cold hard truth that this is just another year is starting to set in. Same old, same old. But you can change that if you want to.
If you want this to be a different year you need to take the first step and clearly define what you want in 2019. I don’t mean just some sort of general idea like I’d like to make more money or I’d like to be healthier. Those statements do not really define anything but rather indicate a general sort of direction.
The interesting thing is that people will not accept a general sort of direction in real life but when it comes to defining goals we seem to think it’s okay.
If I gave you a package and said deliver this to a town out west, you would think I was crazy because I am giving you a general direction only. Instead, in order to be able to complete the journey, you will require more detail such as which town, which street, what street number et cetera. So what I am suggesting to you is that when it comes to deciding what you want in 2019 you need to be more specific.
What do you want to see a change in your relationship or in your personal life? Once you write down the general idea, get specific. What exactly will it look like when you have it? Write as much detail as you possibly can because the detail is a key to achieving what you want. As you write the details you will also develop an emotional attachment to what you’re describing and that is another key to moving towards what you want.
So what do you want it 2019?