Relationship Killers – the Misunderstood Enemy

The killers lurking in your relationship disguise themselves as something far less dangerous than they actually are. As a result, we often misunderstand their power until it is almost too late.

I am talking about what is referred to as personal problems such as anxiety, depression, anger, alcohol and other addictions etc. These are readily characterised as individual problems when in fact they are problems that affect the entire relationship and have been known to maim and destroy relationships.

Many of these problems cause the individual to focus on themselves and partly or entirely withdraw from the relationship. This withdrawal from the relationship causes their partner to question what is happening. This questioning and often assumed answers due to a lack of responses from their partner results in them taking actions which in turn causes a further reaction from their partner. This sets up a circular pattern where the actions of one partner result in actions by the other partner which creates a cyclic effect.

So you see it is never “just their problem” and is never just “all their fault” that problems are occurring in the relationship. The cycle needs to be broken. To break the cycle, we need to address the individual problem which started the cycle in the first place. This is not to mean that they are solely responsible for what’s happening. It does mean the cycle probably started there.

Addressing these types of issues takes a joint effort from both partners because it is not just the initial problem but the subsequent reaction and action taken by the partner in response to the problem.

In an initial session with StartPoint Counselling we ask both partners to explain what they see is happening from their point of view. The information given for two different viewpoints allows the counsellor to understand what is happening in detail.  A practical plan is put in place to address individual issues and then tackle the ongoing reaction and counter-reactions.
Correctly managed the cycle changes to the one in the next diagram.

Things may seem out of control and unworkable in your relationship but they are driven by underlining patterns which can be understood and addressed. The more you understand and the more you become aware of what’s happening the more power you have to make changes in your relationship.

Make the choice to take back control in your relationship by calling Tracey at Startpointcounselling on 07 3458 1725 and break the pain cycle today.

1 reply
  1. Sophia Morris says:

    Really insightful article! Factors such as addiction, anxiety, and depression can really damage the relationship. And such factors have become more common post pandemic. That is why getting therapy for individual issues can also help in relationships.

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