How to Painlessly Communicate What You Want and Need to Your Partner
Identifying what it is that you are looking for in your relationship is a good first step because most people don’t do this. While they don’t clearly define their expectations, on some level, they’re aware that they’re not getting something met in the relationship. This is what I call unspoken expectations.
By making a list of what you want in your current relationship, unspoken expectations are brought to the surface.
Our Needs and Wants Must Be Communicated
We must communicate our needs and wants to our partner for them to be aware of what we want. Often in a relationship, we feel that our partner should somehow magically know what we want and what we need.
We are different and individual beings, who think differently and see and react to things differently. Thinking that somehow our partners can work out what we want and need leads to disappointment.
Clear communication is the first step in getting your wants and needs across to your partner. Unfortunately, we tend to communicate our wants and needs ineffectively. We say things like, “I need you to support me better, and you don’t.” We state our need, but then we attack our partner. It is like saying I need ……..and is your fault I don’t have……..
The first reason why you don’t have what you want and need is that you don’t ask. The second reason is that if you do ask, you ask in a way that repels your partner instead of engaging them.
The Magic of I Language
The best approach to a conversation where you are explaining to another person what it is you need is to stick to using ”I” language. When we use this type of language, we say I need XXXXX and when I don’t have it I feel XXXX. You own the need, and you own the way you feel about unmet needs.
Conclude by asking your partner if you both can talk about how your need can be met in the relationship without dramatically compromising them. Now, remember this works both ways. Your partner can do the same when speaking with you.
Communication in this way at least gets across your wants and needs in the relationship. It least likely to cause a negative reaction. Any movement towards meeting your partner’s needs makes them happier. That happiness feeds back into your relationship.
You’ll be amazed how counselling can help you better your communication
You will find that talking with StartPoint Counselling Beenleigh is your starting point for happy relationships and mental wellbeing.
StartPoint Counselling Practice is conveniently located in Beenleigh close to Logan, Mt Warren Park, Stapylton, Homeview, Waterford, Loganholme and Yatala areas. However we also offer phone consultations for your convenience, see more about Booking Appointments here.