How Normal Can Create a Relationship Problem

  • How to Halt the Four Horsemen of Toxic Communication - Part Two - contempt

When I’m having a conversation with somebody, one significant thing gets in the way if I’m not careful. I experience life looking from the inside out. Deep awareness of everything I think, feel and see fills me. I am a product of my environment, which consists of the family I grew up in and everything that’s happened to me in life. My belief systems are built on my experiences and what I believe they mean.

Now, because I have experienced myself all my life, I tend to regard how I function, think, and see things as normal. Unfortunately, human beings tend to associate the word right with normal.

The Problem With Normal and Right

This tendency to believe that if we are normal, we are also right is taken to the extreme with those who claim to be normal and “morally right”. This leads to the belief that they need to push their morals and values onto others.

So in a conversation, a problem can occur while putting across how I feel and think about a topic. If I consider that I am normal and therefore right, I will tend to shut down people who disagree with me. I view the other person as abnormal and wrong.

I will try to convince them of my point of view. By making lots of statements and probably increasing the volume I am speaking with, I will try to get my point across.

Where It Really Goes Wrong

In that state of mind, then there are several things that I am not doing. I am not listening, and not trying to understand by asking the other person questions. Openness to a different point of view is not happening. In a relationship, this type of interaction has quite devastating consequences.

A Key for good Relationships

A keyword in relationships is understanding. Firstly, I need to understand myself as a person in terms of how I think, what drives me, and my passions. I then need to understand my partner in the same way. Armed with the understanding of myself and my partner, the question that I need to answer is, “how if we have these differences do we function as a couple?”

As tricky as that question seems, there is an answer. It is one of the most common issues that I deal with when working with couples.

Believing that we are normal and therefore right is a common tendency. The best way that I find to stay mindful of this tendency is to say to myself, “I’m not normal, but rather abnormal.” If I come from this angle, I realise that I need to take the time to understand the people that I interact with.  I realise they’re not going to be like me.

Painless Communication

The Art of Painless Communication is an ebook I wrote to help couples and individuals to dramatically decrease the likelihood of ending up in an argument when communicating.

Learn how to share information in a way that promotes understanding and reduces conflict. Get your copy here.

Communication is the backbone of any relationship. As relationship specialists, StartPoint Counselling has helped many couples remove the toxicity in their communication and rebuild their relationships.

You’ll be amazed how counselling can help you better your communication

You will find that talking with StartPoint Counselling Beenleigh is your starting point for happy relationships and mental wellbeing.

StartPoint Counselling Practice is conveniently located in Beenleigh close to Logan, Mt Warren Park, Stapylton, Homeview, Waterford, Loganholme and Yatala areas. However we also offer phone and telehealth consultations for your convenience, see more about Booking Appointments here.

We offer a 15-minute complimentary phone session with one of our experienced counsellors. Find out how we can equip you to change your relationship into one that you will want to be part of.