Avoiding Bringing Up the Past in Arguments

  • StarPoint Counselling - Stressed Couple Arguing

Disagreements can be a healthy part of a relationship. We are different people and, therefore, will not always see things the same way. When we disagree, we can express our needs and show our partner how we feel.

This should happen in the present moment and shouldn’t be linked to the past.

Many people feel that referencing the past and how they’ve been hurt will somehow give them a better result in the present.

However, if bringing up the past causes an argument, you will find that this will quickly escalate and result in both of you hurting each other verbally and emotionally.

Constantly bringing up the past can be very destructive. It can cause your partner to feel attacked and frustrated as you continuously dredge up past issues.

You may find that you are simply using this tactic to make yourself feel better by getting one over on your partner. The result is that you will alienate your partner and come no closer to any form of understanding of each other.

If it is necessary to bring up past issues, you must be very careful of how you do it.

Focus on their feelings as past events are discussed. Let them ask questions and answer them as best as you can without shutting them down. You, in turn, should ask questions about what happened in the past if your partner was involved.

Doing so will allow you to connect with them on a personal level. As you do this, you will discover that your relationship grows stronger, and you will gain more understanding into what motivates them and why they behave the way they do.

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Try to stay focused on what is happening now. By avoiding bringing up the past, you will instead give them the chance to voice their opinion about the current situation without feeling that they must defend themselves and, in turn, attack you personally.

Arguments spiral out of control as we become more and more emotionally involved. The higher the emotion, the lower the degree of logic that exists in the argument. The result is that everyone gets hurt.

While it is important to avoid bringing up the past, it can be equally important not to disregard an older issue completely. If we are talking about a relationship that has suffered deterioration, it may be necessary to discuss some of the areas that have led to this deterioration.

Importantly if the two of you have resolved some of the issues that caused the relationship to deteriorate, share that.

By bringing up some of the victories from the past, you are putting the current issues to rest for a while and recognising that you can resolve issues. Realising your past achievements is a powerful builder of self-belief that cannot be applied to finding solutions for your current problems.

After fully resolving any issues in the relationship that led to the deterioration, you must not bring up the past in any way. This will only make you and your partner look as if you want to focus on the pain instead of working towards your future goals for the relationship.

Only focus on a problem long enough to find a solution.

Communication is an essential part of a strong relationship. Communication skills can be learnt and applied throughout your life.

How important is good communication to you in your relationship?

Book a 15-minute complimentary no-pressure phone call with one of experienced relationship counsellors to see how we can revolutionise your communication. Clicking here or phone us on 07 3458 1725.

Communication is the backbone of any relationship. As relationship specialists, StartPoint Counselling has helped many couples rebuild their relationships.

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You will find that talking with StartPoint Counselling Beenleigh is your starting point for happy relationships and mental wellbeing.

StartPoint Counselling Practice is conveniently located in Beenleigh close to Logan, Mt Warren Park, Stapylton, Homeview, Waterford, Loganholme and Yatala areas. However we also offer phone consultations for your convenience, see more about Booking Appointments here.

We offer a 15-minute complimentary phone session with one of our experienced counsellors. Find out how we can equip you to change your relationship into one that you will want to be part of.